Here are my latest stream-of-conscious musings for your reading enjoyment, as I try to avoid a mental breakdown figuring out how Simran Sethi actually tied with KU Men’s Basketball Coach Bill Self, for the “most popular” Lawrence celebrity (C’mon Derek, what was the vote tally in the editorial office down there, one-to-one?).

∙  The Kansas City Star, in an effort to stave off an inevitable slide into obscurity, laid off a large portion of their staff in a cost-saving ploy---they could have a saved mucho dollars if they’d just said “bye-bye”  to hefty gas-bag  Jason Whitlock and his even-more outrageously hefty salary.

∙  Speaking of getting your value out of entertainment, check out the Sci-fi Channel epic, “Solar Attack,” about deadly solar rays penetrating the Ozone Layer and setting the sky on fire. Seriously. The whole thing looks like it was shot for about eight bucks, and I swear that Mission Control is some converted community theater building. It also features howlingly bad lines like, “You can’t blame the President for his decision.” “I can when I die,” is the reply. Look for Oscar winner Lou Gossett, Jr., playing the ‘Pres, and spouting lines like, “you want me to nuke the North Pole?!” So bad it’s tasty good!

∙  Speaking of fake independents, you all do realize that Lawrence.com is just a piffling distraction from The World Company, right? One can only imagine the giddiness and liberation they feel because they get to use swear words in print.

∙  I don’t care how good the sushi is, I’m not eating at Yokohama Sushi on 23^rd St., until they fix that minefield they call a parking lot. A buddy of mine drove his Toyota into one of those traps last week and we’ve not seen him or the car since.

∙  Note to all fat women out there: once and for all, midriff-baring belly shirts are not for gals with jelly-bellies, bikinis are a huge no-no for huge babes, tattoos never, ever, ever make you look sexy, and chain-smoking cigarettes just completes the fat-fecta of bad taste and bad choices.

∙  To the young lady at IHOP: Your skin was honey smooth and you were exotically pretty, and in that barely there, cleavage-baring shirt it was obvious that your breasts should be in a museum for rare works of art. But while on one level, as a guy, I appreciated your willingness to share this knowledge, I also noticed that it was cold and rainy outside, so maybe you might want to invest in a jacket, or something resembling clothing.

∙  Why do evangelical Christians hold their hands up and sway when listening to religious dregs pretending to be inspiring music? Are they captivated, or just nauseated?

∙  John Mayer is a punk. So are Jason Mraz, James Blunt and Jack Johnson. Ditto for Leona Lewis. They sing such simpering, cooing ditties that are so feather-weight they make the Bee Gees sound like Korn. And if I hear Mayer's “Daughters”—with its inane lyrics like “girls become lovers who turn into mothers”—one more time—I swear I’ll hunt Mayer down and punch him in his maudlin face!

∙  Things I’ve learned listening to the radio: parts of Duran Duran’s “Reflex” sound like the chicken dance song, David Bowie’s “Major Tom,” could be a show tune sung by Carol Channing, and even though he is talented for a blind guy, Stevie Wonder’s music  sucks.  

∙  I so understand the Sarah Palin hysteria going on--it is like a grown up cult of Hannah Montana fans run amok and of legal age to vote.  Honestly, her reed-thin resume should have induced a collective “what-the-hell-is-McCain- doing?” moment from the voting public. But it’s not. And here, in a nutshell, is why that is:

Sarah Palin is seriously pretty. She’s poised, speaks well and did I mention she is seriously pretty? Come on, did you notice how many behind- the-shoulder-shots of her ran at the Republican National Convention, accenting her high-heeled pumps, her elongated legs, and her tight, curve-revealing skirt? She looks the lady in public who everyone knows goes behind closed doors, shakes out her hair, tosses the glasses off and gets down and dirty.

These are the same voters who elected good-old-boy W’ because he seemed like a fun guy for a drink. Palin reminds guys (and probably more than a few girls) of the prom-queen-head-cheerleader that they all wanted to make-out with in the back seat of a car.

But….

W’ is not a good-old-boy and does not want to party with you and I, and Sarah is not going to roll around in the sheets with any voter any time soon. So certainly, voters will wake up from their collective crush and come to their senses, soon…right?

∙  Not all is wrong in the Universe, though. I just heard that the cult-classic animated feature “Heavy Metal,” is being remade as a live-action production.

Maybe it will air on the Sci-Fi Channel. We can only hope.